I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The Olympian is in my bed
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
