a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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