I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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