i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i think i scared a bird with my dick
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
