I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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