some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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