hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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