why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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