I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
