No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
