Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
