maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
