i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
there is glitter all over my balls
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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