turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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