I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
