I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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