1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
