Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
