I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
