I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
