I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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