she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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