Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
