Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
