I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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