i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
