i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
