Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm getting married
To pizza
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
