I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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