So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
