He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
