i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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