My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I AM VODKA MAN
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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