pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
