I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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