quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
did i just pee glitter
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