pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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