I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
