How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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