filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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