i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
