My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
