Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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