why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
