I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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