We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
