his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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