Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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