I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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