i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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