It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
