jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
