our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
